44 bbl

Then the pool of meanings and words and forms of my dark mind swirled, mixed, and ran with the great ocean and vast sea of archetypal memory and stirred and swirled and mixed with it again and aroused those even deeper and deader and older and greater words and meanings and noises and sounds and symbols and shapes and chants and stories and songs and brought them up from the bottom of the collective unconscious to my mind and I watched them and heard them rise and followed their course and progress as I sat or stood and waited.

Fearless.

I was absolutely fearless.

Unafraid.

I was prepared to die, unprepared to die, there was no difference anymore, I fully expected to die, death was nothing to this, this was complete realization, utter and perfect fulfillment, this was the culmination of my life, its consummation, of all life, of the universe itself, of the cosmos, of the one and the many, there was nothing but this; it was impossible, it was so far beyond any faint imaginings or hints and clues and glimmers of what it actually was that my knowledge before it happened was as nothing, a star so distant it is unseen and unfelt, the revelation of Hubble, the atoms of microscopic gases become vast galaxies unnumbered and uncountable; the language breaks and shatters, is crushed, deflated, flattened, and become nothing, less than nothing; I was stunned, awed, demolished, obliterated, erased, annihilated, like the tiniest flame of the simplest candle extinguished between the thumb and forefinger of god itself, yes, of god itself, the unself, the oneself, the one, the might, the night, the being, it, all, x, k, q, infinity, zero, space, law—

bblubblubbblubblubblblblbblbl—drowned, immersed, held under.

In this perfect swoon I repeat—

bbl—

In this swoon I repeat again—

bbl—

In this swoon I did have no more secrets to hide, no more lies to tell, no more untruths in which to collaborate, no more games and charades of which I was a part, no more political intrigues to decode and decipher and in which to participate, no more political advantages and disadvantages to weigh and to ponder, no more English rules and grammatical constructions by which I had must abide, no more theories and critiques of literary merit and excellence which I had to emulate or impugn and reject or deny, no more requirements or tests or credits or approvals or disapprovals, no more As or Fs or Incompletes, no more restrictions nor endorsements nor certifications.

X credentials.

O—

None.

All of these things came automatically, all of these processes were performed for me by the miracle of my own mind and the power of the spirit of truth and peace, my mind and the spirit now one, a union, one since I had cleansed my mind by my confession and my repentance and by my silence and by my promise and by my vow to truth.