50 Ruth

At some point near the beginning of it all I had strolled, dazed, into the commons.

Ruth, my best student, sat a wobbly table.

I joined her.

"I got enlightened!" I announced.

Ruth laughed.

"Great!"

I laughed.

"Just exactly what does that mean?" Ruth asked.

I laughed.

I shook my head.

I grinned.

I could not say.

Uh—

Ruth laughed.

I could not say.

Ruth laughed.

I struggled for words.

How—

"Nonviolence," I finally said smiling.

Euphoria.

Ruth laughed.

"Great!"

"Honesty," I added.

Ruth laughed.

"Great!"

I laughed, too.

Her irony and delight had exposed me.

Idiot.

It all seemed so preposterous and so obvious and so absurd but—

The joy—

The joy—

The joy!

I fell head over heels in love with Ruth.

A poem tumbled out.

Ruth—

Once before we love or love one other,

Let us love one other lover,

Seek him lost or hunted in his hunt

For what we know,

Seek her who fears the love I give

Is lost in all our loving.

Let us marry them to us

And to our bodies’ god, our love,

And touch them out of all their loving

Darkness.

Let us let them touch our body’s warm

And broken bread and touch our blood

To wine of holy fire.

Let us marry them to us

And let them warm themselves on us,

All those other cold and hunted lovers

Of our love, my hunter,

And you and I shall one time meet them once

For all in wonder one dark

Night exactly like one other night

When lost and hunted by one other hunter,

Cold from other hunts and homeless,

Your home and you

Sought me because you knew

And know you know me,

Knew I needed you beyond all other

Lovers when I walked beyond

Your door in darkness to another room

And called for you to help me

Help another wake

To meet the light and push off rest

And all the rest of darkness.

A woman called alone to make me leave her

Lonely and afraid and still

I could not help but hurt her so

So up the stair I walked to wake you,

Needing help to help and calling up

To you, and called for you my god again

And called once more for you my god

For I was lost and wanted love for me

So I could bring it back to them and back to you

To give to all the hungry men who hunt

For love in you.

And from your sleep below the light

That answered to my touch

I touched your leg

As you lay warm and dark and naked

On your belly,

Giving back your back to me

As you give back to me your love,

My love.

You would not move your leg nor lip nor

Speak to all our loss or longing,

And I called out my god again

And begged her up

To help me

Help up those who call out broken names in sleep

From all our awful darkness.

I called for you to love me

And to help me love all those who call

For me and then she helped me

Whisper to the you

Who held on to the darkness, and you

Said child

I will come and you said child

I will come to you

And you begged me all hunting hunted lost

In whispers in your room to leave you

Naked in the light

And love you.

And I knew then and know

That all would be

And shall be yet all

Right, and I walked down the stair

In love with you

And you, all young from loving answers

Old and open in your robe

And coming down from hunting hunters deep

In darkness and in sleep,

Came down to me

And down to men and women I so love

And love you for

And opened up your robe to give us

Robes of light

And opened all your doors

For all the hunted

Hunters of the night who want

Your love and love and hunger for

Your body.

You gave us you and love

For you.

You found me love when I found you

That night.

You fed me well again

Who hungered for the broken bread

Of morning, thirsted for the wine

You pass from cups

Made whole from other hands who touched you

Once before in sleep

And all in all your darkness.

You helped me love

Again and gave me voice who had no voice

Nor love nor whisper left

To give or answer you when you

So answered back that night.

And you came then as still you come

And still yet come you once again

And come my god once more,

Down the stair in light,

All open in your robe

And naked in your loss and my desire,

Open as you gave of you to me

To give to lost and hunted lovers

Who have nought to give nor

Love for me to give to you,

My love and lover.

For all we found when I found you

Is all there ever was or is

And we were found

All lost and loveless children

Homeless yet found whole again

Wholly in your love,

For you gave love to me one night

So I might give it back once more to you

For I love only you, my love, and all my love,

My god, is only all our love for one another.

Before I presented the poem to Ruth I showed it to Billy.

"Wow!" he exclaimed.

I smiled.

"If that doesn't make her let you fuck her," Billy said, "nothing will."

I laughed.